If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
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I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
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If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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