I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
