Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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