take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Randomize
