My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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