I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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