Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
