im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
