dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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