Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
