I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
