HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
What changed your mind?
Being sober
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
My vagina just clenched in fear
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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