Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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