Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
