my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
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God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
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After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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