i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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