apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
