Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
