God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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