I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
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my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
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And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god