Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.