I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.