I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
