I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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