tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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