please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I can't put those talents on a resume
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
