A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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