Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Randomize
