so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
