I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
