Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
