how can u be prego again
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
