So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
