just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
