she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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