Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
