Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
