Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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