My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
