'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
