We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
