Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
