Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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