I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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