I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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