My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Randomize
