cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
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I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
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possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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