i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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