ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
