I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
