I need help removing her.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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