saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
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I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
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I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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