Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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