I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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