i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
