how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
