Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
