When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
