I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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